explosions
in the night sky,
followed by a thud
that shakes the ground,
hammers in your chest.
think about your last kiss.
husks
of brown smoke
slide into the black background
illuminated by the
green, yellow, red,
violet and blue of the latest
screaming, spiraling, crackling
chemical reaction
to dance across your eyes.
a finale,
an assault of sound,
sight and smell
from above. then,
no more light.
just the knowledge of that
terrible smoke, vaguely visible,
tentacles of dirt
slowly twisting into a cloud.
people around you
sigh
in lawn chairs,
on blankets.
suddenly,
in your memory,
all the bright colors
become indistinguishable,
all the excitement you'd bottled
rocketing up, up, up
like a roman candle,
hiss bang and gone.
2 comments:
Things about this that are fantastic:
"screaming, spiraling, crackling
chemical reaction"
"hiss bang and gone" -- single handedly my favorite line you have ever written.
However, I think that if you want to emphasize the comparison of last kiss and fireworks, then there needs to be more emotional tie in throughout. As it stands right now, it is an amazingly beautiful description of a fireworks display. If you want it to be a little more (which I think it very easily can be) then you need to give more about how the speaker feels, or why the line should be drawn between the speakers independence (i.e. loneliness) and the fireworks. One way that jumped out at me was to draw a stronger parallel between the speaker (alone) and the other people (together) watching the fireworks.
Overall, I really like this one.
the parallels aren't strong enough. the kiss, the chemical reaction, and the remaining smoke clouds were supposed to tie together the first three stanzas that outwardly described the fireworks scene, inwardly chronicled a relationship. the fourth stanza was supposed to be an introspective metaphor applicable to both narratives.
yep, shoulda done more with the other people. the blankets were intended to have meaning, but who the hell woulda known.
also, the form is sloppy. i need to whip it into some semblance of order. i'm writing sloppy not because i mean to, but because i'm lazy and don't know what i'm doing.
thanks for stopping by, kid.
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