control

frenetic
  fingers,
knots of nerves,
some   inner
 neural intersection
where the    streetlights
flash and   flicker
and the electric  cars
quietly   collide.
you touch me   and
   i flinch, an electricity
in your hands
arrhythmic,   circuits
of fingers.  water,
  lips, wired all wrong.
this failing apparatus  of
 muscle and sinew
gone awry,   hands,
 foreign hands,
recalcitrant   hands,
fingers shaking,
arms shaking,
   a tic, a tic,
a twitch in my neck.
your lips pull away, eyes open,
          steady hands hold my face
it's just me.

  these hands, my hands
not my hands,
 i can't keep them still.
tremors from somewhere   dark,
reverberating   with a tension
   that nibbles at the  cords
 in the walls,     feckless
fingers, futile   feeling
         it's not you.

nervous tic
tic tic   in the neck,  a twitch,
 hands counting down.
the accumulated detritus
of nerve against   bone,
sizzling,     snapping.

my hands,
how long until these are
not my hands?

tic tic
  tic.