Morning Apostasy

Waking from a dream
where everything was so clear and desired
and near, the snapping up
in bed and the eyes settling
in the dark, shadows
of the sine qua non, how the fantasy
slips through fingers of memory
as my cat stirs in the corner and licks
at her small paws.

The wayworn feeling
after hours of not moving.
The hovering nimbus of grey thought
amassing at the periphery,
insuperable and menacing.
Sliding my feet from the sea
of sheets and stepping onto the
terra firma of floorboards
covered in clothes.

Now standing up, now naked and shivering.
Now a white, thinning skeleton animated.
Slough off remnants of the dream with
a shrug and stumble to the shower.

The burning, real water.
Her face so clear moments ago
now lost in steam.
Her voice a syrup miscible with soap.
The vitreous of her eyes mixing with shampoo.
Such beauty draining away with wires of hair and dead skin;
mutinous little pieces of myself still following her.

Agape Theon

Yet she, singing upon her road,
Half lion, half child, is at peace.
- W.B. Yeats


(4 a.m. &)
on the porch crying drizzles orange
the streetlight & puddles, potholes
down the sidewalk. ((chilly, too.) Autumn
whistlingwalking the alleys hands in
His pockets.)
you were crying on the porch)
& shaking with what earlier
happened cold
with the red. the seeping out of your
face fire smolders. shoulders shaking
you (were crying) on the porch &
i [held youasyou]
shook )the changing
leaves seducing the night
shuffled upturned bellies.(

crying ragdoll! ragdoll you thought
him dead rag-doll you
checked his (ragdoll) pulse
as the blurry men pawed.breathed.t
ouched you. I standing. You did
not know
him. I stood(notunder-
standing)
the smearing mensmearing
kicked ragdol drag
gedragdoll him stranger
You pushed
them off &
i feet behind reached
to pull .You. away.
paws & sweat hands
You fumingrunning
out, me behind
running,
the watery men call
ing to you;
ragdoll, rag-doll, rag doll.

the storm
home,
(4 a.m. &)You
were sobbing(in the black
of my shirt)so close breathing:
I thought he was fucking dead
i thought he was )fucking( dead
i thought they were
killing him.
no one was helping
no one..

and i holding so warmcold
you, [your love is the love of trees]
who now in-
discriminately
cast away
manymany hands to feed
the coolingchilling ground &
beautifulbeautifully color
in reds,browns,yellows
the world &
your body i
hold shaking
chilled,
momentarily barren
to return beautifulbeautifully
(halcyon)colorful color
fully soon.

wish i were that i
(unstrongunwarm)
could hasten the spring &
)arroyo unfilling tears(
see your colors again brighten,
i(unwelcome unready,
unbeautiful)in passing most
fragilestrong!
You.

morning
finds me far
away and (wanting
to be most like
most nearer
fragilestrong.)
You unwanting me
hiding, in awe(again)
of You i'd forgotten
& reawoken as a tree
buds too soon
& then frosts.

oh heavens(oh sept
burning behind
clouds)
i am sorrysorry
to have
thought me strong
unwinding tiet, knots
of her. oh lotus let
me be born something
lastingunlimping, let
me(oneday)be planted
(a sycamore)near
beautifulbeauti
fully her [whose
roots] needswants
none.